Dear bloggy friends. I have been here several times over the past few weeks but there were no words in my head or heart to put down. I have been in a deep, dark place that not only was filled with depression and sadness, but pain and weakness. Losing Mom has to be one the hardest thing I have ever experienced. There was such a feeling of no feeling, if that makes any sense. I didn't "feel". I was just dead inside, like there was a big empty hole inside me and nothing could ever fill it up again. There were days when I didn't even get out of bed. I wanted nothing to eat and wanted no one around. I slept and slept and slept because there was nothing else in my world to do.
I also managed to develop a bladder infection and to have my RA get way out of control. The bladder infection was taken care of by antibiotics and now, after 3 weeks, my RA is starting to get back under control. I have moments of weakness and get so tired so easily but my old friend, "No Sleep", is back for a visit and the nights get long.
The whole time Mom was ill and slowly fading away, I told myself I was ready to let her go. I told myself that it would be better for her and that was all that was important. I forgot that it wouldn't be better for me. I forgot that I need my Mom all the time and now that she's not here, I don't have that motherly love to lean on. My family has been wonderful, checking on me, helping me out and doing what they can, but this journey is one I really have to take by myself. There are days when all I do is cry and then there are days when I smile because I know Mom is where she should be and she's watching over me. Now, six weeks after she left us, I can see a glimmer of a light at the end of the tunnel. My husband asked me last night how long the tunnel was and I told me that I felt like it was as long as my life but I am going to come out the other side. I have grandbabies to visit and books to read and crafts to do. Life has to be better than what I have been through this month and a half.
I spent yesterday re-reading my blogs and your comments through Mom's journey. I wouldn't trade those blogs for anything. They are a reminder of what we went through and of how strong my Mom was. She has always amazed me in her strength and this was no different. My sister and I have been paying off bills and settling accounts. My Mom, who only worked a short amount of time in her life, managed none the less to have enough money saved to pay for her final expenses. Mom could find a bargain with the best of anyone and she scrimped and saved when my Dad passed away to make sure my sister had what she needed. Mom was 49 and my sister was 11 when Dad died. There was some money for a while from social security but that didn't last long. My sister never wanted for anything that she truly needed and even went to college and earned a degree in aerospace engineering. All because Mom worked hard to keep expenses low so the money was there. Granted, Stacey got funding but that doesn't pay all the bills. I am in awe of my Mom. I will never, ever reach her level of parenting and caring. She took care of everyone, not just our family, but her brothers and sisters and friends.
Thank you, my dear, wonderful bloggy friends, for everything through this time. I have leaned so much on your kind comments. As the light keeps getting brighter, I hope to be back blogging on a regular basis and cross stitching and crocheting and catching up on all of your blogs. I am woefully behind on that but I'm working on it. :)
Hugs to you all,