Wednesday, August 13, 2014

Away From the Dark Side

Dear bloggy friends. I have been here several times over the past few weeks but there were no words in my head or heart to put down. I have been in a deep, dark place that not only was filled with depression and sadness, but pain and weakness. Losing Mom has to be one the hardest thing I have ever experienced. There was such a feeling of no feeling, if that makes any sense. I didn't "feel". I was just dead inside, like there was a big empty hole inside me and nothing could ever fill it up again. There were days when I didn't even get out of bed. I wanted nothing to eat and wanted no one around. I slept and slept and slept because there was nothing else in my world to do.

I also managed to develop a bladder infection and to have my RA get way out of control. The bladder infection was taken care of by antibiotics and now, after 3 weeks, my RA is starting to get back under control. I have moments of weakness and get so tired so easily but my old friend, "No Sleep", is back for a visit and the nights get long.

The whole time Mom was ill and slowly fading away, I told myself I was ready to let her go. I told myself that it would be better for her and that was all that was important. I forgot that it wouldn't be better for me. I forgot that I need my Mom all the time and now that she's not here, I don't have that motherly love to lean on. My family has been wonderful, checking on me, helping me out and doing what they can, but this journey is one I really have to take by myself. There are days when all I do is cry and then there are days when I smile because I know Mom is where she should be and she's watching over me. Now, six weeks after she left us, I can see a glimmer of a light at the end of the tunnel. My husband asked me last night how long the tunnel was and I told me that I felt like it was as long as my life but I am going to come out the other side. I have grandbabies to visit and books to read and crafts to do. Life has to be better than what I have been through this month and a half.

I spent yesterday re-reading my blogs and your comments through Mom's journey. I wouldn't trade those blogs for anything. They are a reminder of what we went through and of how strong my Mom was. She has always amazed me in her strength and this was no different. My sister and I have been paying off bills and settling accounts. My Mom, who only worked a short amount of time in her life, managed none the less to have enough money saved to pay for her final expenses. Mom could find a bargain with the best of anyone and she scrimped and saved when my Dad passed away to make sure my sister had what she needed. Mom was 49 and my sister was 11 when Dad died. There was some money for a while from social security but that didn't last long. My sister never wanted for anything that she truly needed and even went to college and earned a degree in aerospace engineering. All because Mom worked hard to keep expenses low so the money was there. Granted, Stacey got funding but that doesn't pay all the bills. I am in awe of my Mom. I will never, ever reach her level of parenting and caring. She took care of everyone, not just our family, but her brothers and sisters and friends.

Thank you, my dear, wonderful bloggy friends, for everything through this time. I have leaned so much on your kind comments. As the light keeps getting brighter, I hope to be back blogging on a regular basis and cross stitching and crocheting and catching up on all of your blogs. I am woefully behind on that but I'm working on it.  :)

Hugs to you all,



  1. Oh Sharon, my heart hurts for you. Believe me, as one who's been there, it really does get easier. I don't want to be a "downer" but please be prepared that there will be days when you will just cry and it will happen for years to come. The bond between mother and daughter is there forever.
    But...there are those of us who truly care and are praying for you daily. May you find peace and strength anew each day.

  2. Dear Sharon, I'm so glad that there is a tiny glimmer of light at the end of the tunnel. I do understand what you mean by feeling dead inside and wanting to sleep and sleep and sleep. It is hard to stay healthy when grief is so fresh and so strong - I hope that light keeps getting brighter and that you keep feeling a little better every day.

    God bless you, and may your memories of your mother grow sweeter all the time. She sounds like a most amazing woman - thank you for letting us get to know her through you.

    As always, sending you a BIG virtual hug. Wish I could do it in person!

  3. Dear Sharon, everyone's grieving period is different and no one can tell you how it should be done. You obviously needed lots of rest after all you went through taking care of your mom. And the tears help to cleanse the soul of all the sadness. Sounds like you are coming out the other side now. We never truly get over loss, but while we are here, we must live each day with love, laughter and joy. Make sure you get some grandbaby cuddles in, and lots of crochet and cross-stitch to pass the time. Hugs and blessings, Tammy

  4. Whilst I can only imagine the heartache you are going through, I am pleased that you feel you are seeing the end of that tunnel - however far in the distance it may be - you will get there. Your comment really touched me about "not reaching your mothers level of parenting" - I may not have met you, and be only a 'cyber-friend' but I would say your family would wholeheartedly disagree with that comment :-) Sending best wishes to you from Northern England xxx

  5. Dearest Sharon...the loss of a loved one maybe something that we never get over, but like the tunnel, we do get through it. My heart is glad that the glimmer of light is becoming stronger and stronger. May it shine more brightly for you with each passing day and may you soon be in the open sunshine of goodness and joy.
    Much love to you, Ellen,

  6. Oh Sharon, my heart goes out to you as you travel this tough path. Your Mother sounds like a fantastic woman, her loss will be felt for your whole life. But hopefully soon, when you wake up it will not be the very first thing on your mind. Maybe you can look at a flower, or your grandchildren ad smile for a moment or two, And eventually those moments will get longer, there will be smiles and laughter but you will not forget her. I know as a Mother myself that she would not want you to be in despair, she would want you to enjoy your life, the life she gave you. Love her and continue to live, that is what is important.

  7. Sharon, you have been in my thoughts, and I have wondered how you were doing during your grieving process, so I am glad you have posted and shared some of your experience. I'm also glad for the family support, the rest, the medication, and the celebration of good memories of your mom that are helping you heal. Wishing you well... xx

  8. I am so sorry you have been struggling through this dark time Sharon. Sending love and hugs from a distant friend x