Sunday, September 14, 2014

Final

Sorry I've been away so long. I planned on trying to do a blog every week to get back in the swing of things, but as you can see, that didn't happen. It's been mostly good days here but the roller coaster is still in full swing.

I got a phone call Friday afternoon telling me Mom's marker had been set. I thanked the lady, hung up and burst into tears. I had one of those deep, hard sobbing cries that come from way down inside your heart. You never know when something is going to hit you like that and I was surprised. But nothing could stop the tears. This meant it was final. A marker giving Mom's name and dates of birth and death puts final to everything.

I had known I would go to the cemetery when I knew the marker had been placed so I gathered up my purse and keys and headed out. The Hubs was on vacation Friday and was mowing the yard; I stopped him to tell him where I was going and he offered to go with me. But I thought I wanted to be by myself so I thanked him and told him no.

Mom's church sits on a lovely piece of property that juts out into the lake. The church and cemetery are on top and the three sides slope down to the lake. It is very quiet there and with fall coming, it is serene. I had sent a text to my Aunt Kat telling her about the marker and since she was heading in that direction, she went by to see it and sent me a text back telling me it looked really good.

It takes about 20 minutes, sometimes a little longer, to get to the church from my end of the county and on the drive, I managed to get the tears under control only to have them burst back at random times. At the cemetery, I walked over and was hit with another round of hard tears. Seeing the marker put it all into place. It's almost like I've been living in a fantasy land, not quite believing that it's true, yet knowing Mom is gone. The marker made it final. Made it the end. I don't know how long I stood there and cried. I finally sent a text to my aunt and she came back to be with me. After a good, long cry in her arms, we walked back and visited one more time. We discussed new flowers for the stone and since Sunday was homecoming at the church, I decided to get them right away and place them on Saturday.

The weekend has not been very productive as I've not had the energy or the desire to do much. My sister came up today to visit the cemetery. She came to the house and we had another long cry. I asked her why she didn't call me so I could meet her there and she wouldn't have had to be by herself, but she said she wanted that time alone. I understand. Sometimes, it's better to do the hard part by yourself and then reach out for comfort afterwards.







The flowers are much brighter and look better than the photo shows. There are mostly oranges and yellows with some fall leaves thrown in.


I hope this post isn't too much of a sad bit. I use my blog to record my feelings about things that happen in my life and this just had to be said. 

I want to thank each one of your for your kind, caring comments. I know I will get through this but it's just going to take time. It's the little things now that grab me. Like her little pig she had in her car. Mom loved pigs, the uglier, the better. I have named this little one, Maggie (a name my mother hated, by the way) and she sits up on the dash in the defrost grill so she can see where we are going. I cried the first couple of times when I got in the truck and saw her, but now I have a smile for her.

Take care, my dear bloggy friends. I hope you each have a wonderful week filled with joy, laughter and love.

Hugs,
Sharon

19 comments:

  1. Thanks for trusting us with you feelings, Sharon. As I look back over my own seasons of feelings, I can relate to the surprise you sometimes feel with your intense feelings of loss and grief contrasted with delight and mischief as you provide Maggie Pig with a new home. Wishing you blessing as you continue to celebrate your mom's life. xx

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    1. Thank you, Gracie. I know Maggie Pig will give me joy.

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  2. Having gone through a similar thing after losing my Mom I can so relate. I know each persons season of intense grieving is different but also very much the same. We just each express it in different ways. I was much like you in that seeing her marker with that final date was devastating for me. Until then it was almost like I had convinced myself that she was on a long vacation or something. I was 29 years old and oh, how I wanted my Mom around to give me advice on raising my children. She was also my unfailing support system. Well... I didn't plan to make this about me. Obviously I still miss my Mom too. We both must have had extraordinary women raise us. Hugs and prayers for you.
    Blessings,
    Betsy

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    1. Oh Betsy, to lose your Mom so young. That must have been very hard. I am thankful for the long life Mom had and for the fact that she was always there for me no matter what was going on. I agree that they both were extraordinary women. Hugs to you.

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  3. Aww.. sorry to hear of your loss and sadness. She was a lucky mom to have such a devoted daughter. We lost my mom several years ago and I try to remember the good things as often as possible. ((hugs)), Teresa

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    1. Thank you, Teresa. I don't know how lucky she was but I am definitely luck to have had her for a mother and to have had her in my life for so long. She was a wonderful example of what I strive to be.

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  4. Difficult times I know, but you, we, will get through them. I know my mum would hate me to be sad all the time, I'm sure your mum felt the same. They loved us after all, our lives go on and we should remember them close to our hearts. Remember the love they gave us, big hug xxx

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    1. I agree, Ada, that Mom would not want me to be sad all the time. Yes, we will get through this. Thinking of you.

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  5. It is strange how grief can so suddenly and unexpectedly grab us. Sending love your way, dear Sharon. Take care and may each day bring a little more peace to you.

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    1. Dear Ellen, you have been a rock for me through this and words will never be enough to thank you. All I can say is, thank you for being my friend and for all the emails of encouragement.

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  6. Sharon, it is good to cry, very cleansing and healing. I know you miss your Mom so much, there are no words any of us can say to help, just know we are all thinking about you and sending you love.
    Meredith

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    1. Meredith, just seeing all the comments and reading them helps me more than I can say. I really appreciate all that each of you have written. Thank you for being a friend.

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  7. Dear sharon. I can so relate to how you are feeling. The pain dulls in time but the sense of loss never goes away it just gets put in a place that you linger over now and again. I so agree with what meredith has commented tears and crying are beneficial . As for airing your feelings ...... Go ahead as we all need these moments. Thinking of you!
    Keep well
    Amanda x

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  8. Dearest Sharon, Thank you for writing this post. You have put in words, the very same feelings that I have felt ever since I lost my Dad 4 years back. But I could not express myself. Amanda is right...we all need these moments. Since my Dad was my best friend and also my only confidante, I do talk to him sometimes.
    Lots of love and a big hug.

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  9. Oh my heart felt for you - crying can help clear away the grief and the pain. Hold on to the memories as they precious xx

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  10. Be gentle with yourself Sharon, grief is a slower and rockier road than we perhaps would like but there is much peace to be found along the way when we are open to it. Still thinking of you x

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  11. Sharon, I 'm so sorry about your Mom's passing. We all have to face it at some time but it is never easy. The gravestone is beautiful and the flowers look really nice. Sitting above a lake sounds like a very pretty and peaceful place. The greatest tribute you can pay to anyone is to remember the good times you had together. I hope this finds you feeling more at peace. Hugs...Sam

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